Marching Hundred is an amazing opportunity but it really got the worst of me this past weekend, spending the entire weekend with the Marching band was not what I thought it was going to be when I showed up. Granted, I was ready to be humbled, and humbled I was when I got to know my mellophone friends much better than I had, and were telling stories that really got us closer, but it was tough on my physically. I got home from the Colts half-time show, where we spent the majority of the time with other band members underneath the actual stadium, not watching the game- and went straight to bed for two hours. I wasn't able to do any of my Old Testament Studies readings, but I did have enough time to get in all the readings for Reporting, Writing, and Editing- just enough to get me an A on the quiz we had today, that I didn't know about.
Things are starting to push buttons, and get harder, and God keeps pressing on me spiritually too, to stop and breathe with Him, and let all my actions and decisions flow through Him, because that way- I will get all I need to get done for that day.
With papers piling up (one for Old Testament Studies, Visual Communication, and Reporting, Writing, and Editing), band practices daily, work four days a week, and people who I'm not able to see everyday because there's just too many people- it seems like I can never get everything done.
Alan was talking about a triangle of college- with the three sides of social life, school, and sleep- where you can only pick two, and one must suffer. It seems to be true. And honestly, if I try to find the balance on my own between the three it will never work out. I was doing well with this, not worrying about homework, but doing it when I had the chance, and honestly focusing when I WAS able to- but now that more things are due, and it seems like my weekend was wasted (even though I can definitely look back and see the positive), it's getting harder to keep things balanced and in control- notice how I'm saying that I WANT to keep things in control. which I know doesn't work. I figured that out tonight... again.
I haven't found a home church here yet or a youth group, I as in we- me and Alan, we're looking together, but it's difficult because we haven't found anything that we feel connected to yet in the past three weeks we've been here in IUB. Even though it's only been three weeks, it's really difficult- because there's not much community and fellowship- as many Christians as there are on campus, they don't truly act the same where there's not a bible study happening, because there not 100% focusing on God. It's really difficult, because I have a notion that since I'm in America, it should be easy. Because even in Indonesia, I was able to find a good church.
The thing I did notice though, is that when you are a minority, the churches that you go to are generally much more fervent in their reverence and obedience, because they need God- while here in America, it is more challenging at times, because it is more watered down and fit to the comfort level of American society. This is not the case in all churches, but many. In absence of a home church, I was listening to a Granger Community Church podcast yesterday about America- and how we as a country are founded on God. "In God we Trust". Even the first president had a call to prayer for the entire nation, do you see any president of our age doing that now?? Times have changed, and you can definitely see that on the IUB campus. It's difficult to flow upstream, when the current pushes so fast and furious the other direction. You feel swallowed, beaten, useless, and always in a battle.
I know for a fact that discovering the church and youth group and bible study God wants Alan and I to go to is not impossible, and it is not impossible to have meaningful conversations with my friends here, or be a positive voice of encouragement in their life, but it is much more difficult when the world is so closed in around you- on all sides: school (STUDY) and work (make YOUR career) and friends (let's have FUN)- the three biggest aspects of my life right now. It seems so difficult to say who I truly was like coming fresh off the plane from Indonesia, and it's a bit scary to write here that I feel different and act a bit different than when I first came off~ what I was like when I was home in Mishawaka~ because people will see it. This is a blog. an honest one :) One where I can say that the general conversations I have in a day never outweigh the one phone call that I receive at night, where one of my friends that isn't very close to me cries out to me because so many things are going wrong in her life. Those are the conversations that bring meaning to my day, or the encouraging cheerful ones I have with strangers coming into the CDC (where I work) because I can brighten their day and make things a bit easier on them. Besides the natural beauty of the weather right now (Fall and I are becoming friends) and the natural friends that I now have in band (which adds a beautiful flavour of community to my day that always honestly changes my mood), the meaningful conversations are what make my day full. It rejuvenates and revives me while on the go.
I'm also able to journal with God separate from this blog- and with the little bits and pieces that He fills up my day with (mentioned above), I'm able to jump these hurdles and common currents of laughter, fun, partying, and studying, insensitivity, unemotional stares when walking down the street (which I expect), and the bustle of city life.
I would say that today at band when talking to Hillary, I missed Indonesia the most- because I could see how much this can affect people, on this day- I was doing really well with God :) which made my whole day better, when generally I'm just getting by (that was how it was last week). But now, as I look on it- it seems like it would be better if I was in Indonesia, on the move for God, and studying with HIM 6 hours a day, instead of from a book.
The one thing that I continually remind myself of, is that fact that God has called me here for the next journey, to learn about Him from these books, and master what He wants me to know- for He is once again, preparing me for something more- just like He was in Indonesia. So with all the Old Testament Readings, Visual Communication photos I have to take, Finnish I have to practice, and Writing I have to compile, I am in the mindset of enduring and continuing, and crying into His arms when I'm overwhelmed, because He wants me here, has brought me here to learn, to be challenged, and to open my eyes and mindset to another different perspective that He wants me to see through.
not career-minded, but God-minded, with the eyes of a photographer, the skills of a journalist, and the mind of a modern scholar and ancient interpreter when reading the Bible- and not just skimming paragraphs I think repeat information.
Isaiah 30:20-21
"Though the Lord give you adversity for food and suffering for drink. He will still be with you to teach you. You will see your teacher with your own eyes. Your own ears will hear Him. Right behind you a voice will say, 'This is the way you should go.' whether to the right or to the left."
:)