Once again, parallel to last year in Indonesia, i'm not doing okay this month. These months. of October and November.
Last year, I had no idea what my purpose was in Indonesia, and I would break down easily and be pulled up by God easily. To stand on His Word, with the shield of faith He's given us to use in times of spiritual trials.
That's what's going on again. But it's a bit different.
God showed me last year that my purpose was to love and value people.
This year... i'm not sure.
but i'm learning about Catholicism.
I'm in RCIA right now, and while learning in a group and on my own. Some thing have been a change for me, and have influenced me to view my relationship with God differently. I don't know if this is a good thing or not... which really confuses me.
The couple things that I've realized are making me not want to talk to God until I have this mumbo-jumbo figured out is:
The Rosary- I tried it at RCIA, and talked about it with Alan. talked about it with God. and after five minutes of an emotionally distraught experience, I prayed the Rosary. The complete thing. Moving through the Hail Mary's and the feel of the beads in my hand. The first time I had tried it, I dropped the beads before we even finished and sat still with my lips sealed tightly. But... how is it possible that people so close to God say that Mary helps you grow closer to God? If that is true, then why would I not be at least trying the Rosary to see for myself? As far as RCIA goes, the logistics is that Mary, as Christ's mother, has such a close relationship with Him, and centered her life around Him... which makes sense. she was at almost everything during his years of service... and after Jesus' death, the apostles turned to Mary- even had her in the upper room when they were frightened for their lives- to help them understand Jesus' life, which would make sense. Since she was the one who knew Him best on earth.
Since that is true, it's Tradition that the Catholic Church believes that Mary wants us to be centered around Christ's life and she only points to Him and through womanly love, helps us to draw so much closer to Him. Even in Revelations, it show a woman (supposedly Mary) giving birth to a boy, and later standing on the moon- the moon, because she only reflect the Son. There is no light in herself, if Christ was not there. If God did not have the Son's light reflect upon her.
So I tried it. And it was the most serene experience that I've had on my own since I've been here. Like a meditation, which God tells us to do in His Word.
As you would speak through the Hail Mary's. You would be thinking upon different scenarios of Jesus' life. And it helped so much. Honestly.
The confusing thing is... it helped so much. But also scared me to think that that was the only way God would be so close to me...
because here in college, it's hard to find a moment's time to be with God, so doing the Rosay. a set thing... helps. because I don't have to think... but is that what should be happening? my mind isn't stimulated... it's just comforted...
I know that's really good for people who need to be comforted... but is it stopping my mind and boxing in my relationship with Christ?
Even learning about the sacrements of the Catholic Church, which is believed that it's manditory to participate in, and is the best way to tangibly be in God's presence, and be as close to Him as humanly possible... which gives you comfort.
But... is that where I want to box it into?
I know that's not what the Catholic Church is saying to do... because they have missionaries. But it seems that once your in the Catholic Church, that's it. When that's not true.
This is my confusion, anyway. Going back and forth between what's true and what God doesn't want for me spiritually.
Because since I'm so busy, with Old Testament Studies, which is making me see the Old Testament as very historic, and I really can't read it anymore, without thinking if it was translated correctly, or if the interpretation is something I should be listening to... I'm questioning it.
I'm questioning Christianity, Catholicism. the Old Testament.
Because of how the secular world views it.
and how I'm afraid of the difference of my experience in Indonesia, compared to what I feel is being shoved down my throat to try, to see this differently.
And i won't lie. It seemed easier in Indonesia, because that's the God I know. and God may be opening my eyes to a deeper relationship with Him through all these questions : (that's what I say as my only positive motivation).
But all these other things swamp my mind almost daily... where it hinders me from just sitting down with my Father.
Because I don't know what to say, and I can't hear Him much anymore, because my ears have been untrained. and I don't know if I'm doing anything right.
So, today, finally, instead of doing unnecessary homework or studying, which i've become good at doing. I decided to write this. with motivation that I need to get this out, and it's okay if people from IUB read it.
because i'm not where I want to be. I'm not in a good position. I'm confused. and my relationship with God is hurting because of that. My cup is not full. I am not alright.
I get tired. and you can see it easily. I am positive because of the things I need to do through the day.
But at the end of the day, I don't turn back to God- unless it is to pray for a millisecond.
I just go to bed.
and that's not me.
That's not what I want.
that's not what He wants.
I feel burdened and hindered.
I have so many obstacles in my way.
And it's hard to figure out what to do.
When there's Old Testament Studies making me question the Old Testament.
The Catholic Church making me question the New Testament.
And God being seemingly silent.
Besides the fact that I have good friends here.
And that I am still able to go all the way back to my roots and stay there.
St. Mark Missionary Church.
Which I couldn't do if they didn't have sermons online... that's a blessing. seriously.
And because of that, I will leave this room with the knowledge that I am equipped for battle, even though I may not mentally be ready for it.
I'm ready to go home. I'm ready to rent an apartment. I'm ready to leave the partying subculture of college.
I'm ready to start an internship, where I just continue doing what God wants me to do.
Like go to South America for an Underwater Photography Internship.. or something.
But right now, I'm here. And confused. and not okay inside. Because all these questions are unanswered.
Which makes me not want to come back to Christ until I know all the answers.
But He'll show me. and It will be okay.
I will finish my classes with motivation, and I will come home.
Because this is not the end.
And I am equipped to overcome.
Thank you Pastor John.