It was a great dinner and the night ended with talking in the campus park, which we like to do at least once a week to bask in the Lord's beauty and be with each other.
This evening was different though because he had a gift for me. a journal.
Now for those who don't know the small secret history, Alan and I have been writing letters to each other and journals throughout each adventure that we have.
During high school, for Valentine's Day- difficult weeks- anything to celebrate or beautiful, we would write a letter to the other about it.
During Indonesia, he recorded his heart in a journal as I did the same- and at the Lord's timing, he would give me his, and then at another time I would give him mine.
The same happened with South Africa, I wrote a journal for him and he for me, again. This journals, though, we're much more raw- given our relationship has matured more since Indonesia and we were dealing with two different worlds.
Alan, in Nicaragua, was dealing with uncomfort, poverty, and a lot more physically stressful and dangerous situations.
I, in South Africa, was dealing with Americans in a foreign country wanting to take advantage of every opportunity, and many times forget about the internship.
In this, the Lord worked, and we recorded it from our heart's perspective to give it to the other.
In one day, today, my heart has been refined by Alan's words (because of course, I got so excited to have his heart spread out in words, and the Lord graciously gave me time to marinate in the words, so I read it all today). His purity and selfless love is incredible and his journey, initial reactions to what was going on in South Africa, and recapping after the trip brought all the works the Lord did while I was away back to me.
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He spoke about how money is a tool, and people in America are lacking in love. It's true. Americans (I, included, after coming back to college, and focusing more on my agenda than the Lord's) are so involved in money that even Christians who trust in the Lord do not leave room for him to work because they have all their finances, schedule for career building, classes, and family all in order- in their mind.
They don't mean to, I don't mean to, but it happens easily- as the Lord slips away , and caring about everyday life takes over.
Since I've gotten back from South Africa the Lord has been prying into my life to bring me back to letting Him take over my entire life, but sleep deprivation, need to be accepted/understood, and getting things done and doing all that I need to has gotten in the way. So much so that it's a second thought to stop and infest God's love into people's lives or embrace His beauty... until I go to church and realize what I've been doing.
This past week at Red Door Church was one of those. Giff really got into the nitty gritty between the false self and our true self- which is all of God, and only a little bit of us.
But it's the false self that seems to snatch us back away, and it's so normal that we never realize it until it's all consuming again.
It's defense, protective, possessive, indulgent, self-promoting,fearful, manipulative, destructive, and distinction-making. Don't try to point these onto another person, because it's all of us. If it's not us sinning in one place, it's another. We're so helpless and fallen like crazy, it's insane.
And it's my false self, that as many times as I don't want it to be the one in charge- it is. Here in America I fall into that so much easier than anywhere else in the world- because it's always at home that things seem easier and that your in charge.
Today, Alan reminded me that I really am not in charge- as much as my false self tries. And that true life with God all consuming my entire schedule, social events, and relationships- schedules, classes, homework.. is so much fuller. He reminded me that my false self has been downplaying the Lord's work in both Alan and my life while here at IU and while we were away, because the lies are saying that it's in God's characteristics and it's not uncommon of Him to do that: but in our world, it's uncommon for us to see and take notice. It's uncommon for us to give it the time of day because we're so involved in our schedules.
The Lord wants us to be sensitive, like a lover would be, to His touch in every portion of our life. And He wants to constantly talk to us.
Another thing that Americans, and I, have incredible trouble with- calling on the Lord. Because we're on our own pedestal, making things better for us, totally encompassed by our plan, purpose, and ideas.
It's when I'm standing on the top of the steps of Ballentine Hall, reading Alan's journal, that I realize my false self is not going to get anywhere in life. It's God's story that is way more glorify than any of ours. Our careers don't matter, how much money, sex, or pleasure we have does not matter. Our comfort does not matter. These things will be gone and dead soon and none of it will matter- the businesses we build up will be gone.
It is the people and their hearts that will last.
And it is God's story in each of their lives that will be timeless.
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I was walking down the journalism hallway, looking at all the history on the walls. And similarly to what Alan's words made me realize, I realized that the history God is much more meaningful and greater than any history wall in the world could be, and that his history wall will be so much more detailed and longer.
I want to be in that history :)
In the journal, I also rediscovered sensitivity to Alan and my relationship, to how pure/God-motivated/humble it is. Sure at times we definitely jump over lines and break pacts when we're not in the Spirit- but the Lord convicts us, brings us back, and opens our eyes to humble us- and to the other He gives peace, confident hope, and endurance. For that is love.
especially when your dealing with two humans-- whose false selves want and expect things, and are ignorant or apathetic to others... but whose true selves are entirely in love and desiring a deeper, more real growing experience together with the Lord--> for He is the reason they are together.
Humility- sensitivity to how it's all the Lord's, but He's blessed me to play a part with the most incredible nuturing, supportive, and enduring boyfriend.
Purpose- the false self would say it's to get things done, but there is no joy-holiness-permanence in that. The Lord's purpose is for me to see people, love people, and share His Gospel with them: no matter where or how. (He's given me the confident gift of asking questions, and He is using it [definitely did in South Africa])
Thank you for the journal, Alan.
I am so sure I will be continually reading it for the next coming months. To bring me back again.
Those reading this: love your brothers and sisters in Christ, do not go this walk alone - I have for some time but the Lord has built us as a church "so that no spiritual gift is missing among you". Pray for each other, encourage each other, group together: and reach out :)
Amen.
calling on the Lord : "As for me, I will call upon God; and the Lord shall save me. Evening, and morning, and at noon, will I pray, and cry aloud: and he shall hear my voice. He hath delivered my soul in peace from the battle that was against me: for there were many with me".