and the reason for that is because school has constantly had me in between a rock and a hard place, where i have no time to explain my thoughts in a blog, and also where I have no thoughts to explain in a blog.
For this blog is generally a report and journal for my spiritual life with the Lord, yet that spiritual life had not yet taken any real foundational steps in college until this past February.
Alan and I were talking a couple of days ago about how in Indonesia, February was also the hardest time... which makes me think that next February will also be hard! But for the Lord, whatever His Will is- we will continue to take it on with Him. Because we count trials pure joy (or try to!) because that's when the Lord is really hitting us hard and chiseling us to be like His Son, Jesus Christ.
This February... much different and much more difficult in many ways- than the February in Indonesia- was a complete disheartening journey through the realms of Catholicism, community, and time with the Lord.
I have and had been going to RCIA, a class required to become Catholic, in order to learn about Catholicism and understand Alan more, because he is Catholic. During the class, I had been warming up to the fact of being Catholic and was being very optimistic about the things that I saw were very good to practice to grow closer to God- now remember, that with big decisions like these, I ONLY want to go where God wants me to go, which is the only way that I would become Catholic... is if God wanted me to..
I forgot this though, and had been getting cozied up to the fact that I would become Catholic and God would reveal something to me through the Catholic church, for I thought this was His reason for me going through so many RCIA classes. But when the leader of RCIA said one week that on that Sunday, we would be going to a Rite of Election- where the bishop would bless us- and then we would basically be Catholic... I needed to do some serious thinking.
My heart started pounding, and I immediately thought, I need to go home. I need to talk to my parents, my Dad, about this- because I know that they need to understand Catholicism, and also - I needed to make sure that I wasn't overlooking something that was actually a very big deal.
So I came home ASAP. And told the leader that if I was there on Sunday, I would be becoming Catholic- and if not, I wouldn't be.
I wasn't there on Sunday. For during the time I was home, even through the confusion of so many people's opinions on Catholicism, God specifically told me to "Be Still" and more would be revealed.
I was only there again the week following that, because I felt that I would need to speak to people about what had happened to me, so that they knew they should seriously consider talking with God on what He wanted them to do, but I wasn't able to really say anything.
And I haven't gone back since.
Reason? : My sunday school teacher, Lee, and I had been talking about the confusion that I had been feeling with God and what He wanted me to do since I returned to Bloomington after going home. His encouragement and suggestion came so that I would be directly focused on God, and stand firm in Him and what He has taught me, and rejuvenate in Him- because the confusion was not from the Lord,.. for the Lord is a God of ORDER. - and the confusion that came along with not understanding God completely- was not going away because I had gone back to RCIA.
So I have stopped.
But the confusion didn't,
There was a week, February 20-26th, where God was directly focusing me in and showing me, mentally, the passages that He had wanted me to read for that day/moment/night, which directly related to my heart and what I was, on the inside, yearning to understand. This went on for a week, true communication with God- as I will call it, because it was the closest I've been to Him, where I would just receive what He wanted for me to read in His Word that day- but it stopped.
It stopped. And I immediately felt confused, pragmatic, and abandoned.
The whole next week had been a mess in my mind, Feb. 27-March 4.
Confusion with God... not even knowing how to read His Bible or pray, because I didn't want to be in charge of my spiritual life...
This affected my attitude, so that things looked so much darker, when God was in every crevice of a situation. It also really affected my relationship with Alan. For when I was so pessimistic, we would talk about it, and analyze it- and it would make me more pessimistic. When we finally realized this happening, we stopped it, and I could see a bit of light in what I thought were dark times when I was with him. During these times, he surprised me- by saying we didn't need to analyze things, and on the day that I was most tired of conversation and wanted to have fun- he stood up and said, "Well let's go. Let's go watch The Office." Immediately, I thought he was kidding, because to get my hopes up more- would ruin me more. But it was no lie (he doesn't anyway.. it was all confusing for me that day though)
so when I had finally given up during this week, as I already showed with Alan, God started to take over :)
He took over in my projects with the two internships I have right now
(1) giving ideas for the blog that I'll be writing this week for a wedding event planning company in Bloomington
(2) giving me opportunity and great creativity to get footage for the audio video that I will be making for PALS (a non-profit group that is trained in therapeutic riding for handicapped children)
He also started to cozy me up to good people and company, and stirred my heart into ignition with testimonies of where others were with Him that week. Like my friend, Sarah, who through her- God showed me how ALIVE His Word is. Just through one passage that she showed to me and was so passionate about.
Then through the small table group that I have been going to through my church in Bloomington, Red Door Church- we have all gotten so close that we got together that Saturday for a game night, and I was touched by just the happiness, comfort, and by the stories that had been told on that Thursday.. that connected us so close together.
Then at church that Sunday, I was controlling the slideshow for Sunday... and it was about suffering, and not understanding...
And I will hyperlink the site for the podcast- because I have never heard a sermon about suffering such as this, and was so affected by it- because I was still so confused with God, but had been holding on to Him dearly the entire week, knowing that He was in control and was talking to me, through events and people this time, instead of straight through His Word.
My friend, Sarah again, also showed me that I needed to still hold on to God's Word even if I did not feel inspired or understand, because we battle not against flesh and blood but against the evil spirits of this world- and it is the Sword of the Spirit that we need to hold onto, no matter what..
She also encouraged me, with where I was spiritually, because whether or not I understood what God wanted for me again, or whether or not I felt Him again,
I had faith- just like in Hebrew 6? With all of our ancestors who had faith.
And that's big.
And that kept me going :)
Until this week.
So even through all of the messiness, and all of the pessimism, and confusion- God brought me people, and communities, and truth- and rejuvinated me :) Even though I was being pessimistic, emotional, and entirely confused with Alan, who had been acting different this past week due to what he read in a Christian book. I knew to continue holding on to God and he would pull me through.
And he did :)
And with Alan, everything finally bubbled over and from the mess of February, I've finally come to the the healing process with God, and with Alan. And in this, discipline is needed.
And Philippians 4:8, the verse God didn't give to me today- but enforced throughout my morning devotions with Him :)
"Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. "
~ With Catholicism, I'm waiting, and watching. For I'm not sure if what God would reveal is in the entire journey of this month of confusion with Him not speaking as I expected Him too. Or if He has something completely different with Catholicism, that He is waiting to bring in His time.
Either way, this past month- God has shown me that He is not the beautiful crystal, boxed in, candle that I once fell in love with when I was little- but He transforms, and remolds, and has now shown me that he works in many different ways...
and even though I didn't understand- I now see that the confusing hunk of wax, with soot all over it, is and was a candle.
It is only in a different form, and it has the still precious and amazing meaning that it had to me the first day I fell in love with it, with Jesus.